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Lately, when it comes to my bedtime attire, there’s nothing blush-inducing or scandalous about it, so you can relax if we bump into each other outside Tottenham Court Road station. I’m not into the current trend of sharing personal intimate details online, from sex toy preferences to ethical adult sites. Frankly, I wouldn’t imagine doing that—after all, the only sex toy I’ve owned has been lost for ages, and any browsing I do is on property sites like Rightmove.
The missing toy does cause some worry because I dread the day someone like an electrician, visiting family member, or one of my kids accidentally finds it. Let’s face it, there are unexpected discoveries on shelves everywhere—like forgotten inflatable dolls and industrial-size bottles of lubricant—but it’s the surprise factor here. I have no idea where this bright pink relic is hiding, and it seems destined to embarrass me at the worst possible moment.
Now, let’s talk about the nightwear that’s about as far from sexy as you can get. Here’s the rundown: I wear Invisalign aligners at night, pair them with earplugs, sport a herbal chest patch, and top it off with an eye mask. Pretty romantic, right? It feels like I’m in a personal sensory deprivation tank—completely cut off from taste, sound, and sight while filled with gadgets and remedies.
These accessories are more about battling the nightly snoring, weird light patterns that trigger my night terrors, and starting a long dental health journey. As for the chest patch, it’s a new find marketed to help with breathing issues, which I’m testing for a persistent cough.
Add to this the fact that my sleep has been disturbed by terrifying night terrors and, more recently, a bit of sleepwalking. Sometimes, I even wake up in strange places, like a hotel corridor, because dream-me thinks my kids are missing. Thankfully, I avoided any mishaps by snapping out of it just in time.
In my husband’s attempt to help with the sleepwalking issue, he suggested using a surfboard tether to tie me to the bed, adding another less-than-glamorous element to my setup. So, there I’ll be in my bedtime ensemble, perhaps topped off with compression tights, a sleep bonnet, and moisturizing socks—about as far from sexy as one can get.