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In the past week, my almost five-year-old and three-year-old kids have accidentally grabbed my nipples multiple times to keep from falling over. This mainly happens when I’m putting on their shoes—a task that often leaves me in awkward positions, which explains why my nipples are within their reach. One memorable moment involved my youngest using my right nipple as a climbing hold to scale my body and sit on my head.
It’s important to note that my kids have no idea what they’re grabbing in these quick moments—could be a button for all they know. With two years of breastfeeding, my nipples have lost most of their sensitivity. They might as well be steel-capped at this point. If I were into piercings, I’d consider loops through them so I could tie a rope around my neck for a free lift!
The reason this is happening now is that I often skip wearing a bra during the day. Previously, my nipples were protected by a t-shirt bra; now, they’re free to swing about as I engage in what feels like the Crystal Maze Shoe Application challenge.
Putting small kids’ shoes on is no easy feat. You’re left in a vulnerable position, your face close to the back of their head—which can suddenly become a fast-moving cannonball aimed at your nose or eye socket. Kids can’t stand still while you put shoes on them; they wiggle around like restless goblins and can’t seem to bend their leg when you need them to. Often, you end up putting them on a table to get the job done.
Even when you clearly tap the foot for them to lift—saying “THIS ONE”—they always seem to raise the other. This often leads to them losing balance, mainly because their minds are busy pondering important questions, like why bees don’t use helicopters to save their wings. In these moments, a little hand reaches out and grabs whatever’s convenient: often, my freely dangling nipple, much like a hand-strap on a crowded bus. It’s amazing they’re still attached.