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Last week, while watching The Little Mermaid II with my kids, I unexpectedly found myself admiring King Triton’s fit physique. The cartoon character’s broad chest, defined abs, and slim waist leading to his…well, tail, caught me by surprise. It feels a bit odd to ponder the idea of romance with a cartoon merman. I blame Disney for making him so muscular—it just seems unnecessary. I’ve never had this reaction to characters like Mr. Tumnus from Narnia.
Rationalizing it, attraction to a half-animal does seem ethically questionable, considering it might be akin to a form of bestiality. Sure, King Triton could kiss you and hold you with his human hands, likely singing a sea shanty, but ultimately, you’re intimate with a fish. Also, picturing him as a loving grandad, similar to a ripped Santa, feels strange.
King Triton’s impressive physique is puzzling too—his upper body strength must be remarkable since he uses his giant tail instead of legs. I imagine some sort of MerGym underwater, complete with unique equipment like oil drums and seaweed resistance bands for their workouts.
Musing about a relationship with King Triton seems implausible. Logistically speaking, where are his reproductive organs? After some searching, it seems like two main theories exist: mermen might either fertilize eggs externally or have a concealed penis similar to a dolphin’s. This concept makes me uneasy—would scales feel like sequins? Such contact could be risky!
In a fictional world, I imagine a mermaid A&E for such situations, complete with octopus receptionists and swordfish surgeons. “Ah, King Triton! Caught in a predicament again?” It’s amusing to think about.
I originally wondered who else might find King Triton attractive, and asked around on Instagram. To my surprise, he didn’t rank high in the cartoon crush list; characters like Aladdin, the general from Mulan, and especially Robin Hood from Disney’s Robin Hood topped the charts. Even adolescent Simba had fans.
It seems there’s something about anthropomorphized animals. Many prefer the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, but only in his beast form—he loses appeal as a human. I get the allure—he’s strong, brooding, and has that massive castle. However, I can’t understand the attraction to Robin Hood the fox. His smug look just doesn’t do it for me.