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Last week, something almost happened to me that made me view those crazy hospital stories about foreign objects in strange places differently. You know, those tales about things ending up where they shouldn’t, particularly in the darker recesses of the human body. If this kind of talk is a bit too much for you, it might be best to stop reading, as it’s only going to get more intense.
We’ve all probably heard some wild hospital stories about people inserting objects where they don’t belong. Sure, some of these tales must be urban legends. But I know a few folks who’ve worked in ER (or A&E if you’re in the UK) and they’ve shared some firsthand stories. There’s the man with a vacuum hose stuck in his backside, the woman with a coke bottle, and the lemon lodged in a place it shouldn’t be, like stuffing in a turkey. Then there are tales of cucumbers, remote controls, Christmas ornaments, Barbie dolls, and other weird items that make you question people’s thinking.
Most of us have heard these stories, and maybe we’ve laughed or cringed at the embarrassment these people must have felt. But what really gets me are the excuses people come up with to explain how the objects got there. Instead of admitting they were curious or bored, they spin elaborate stories about slipping while cleaning or other accidental scenarios.
I find these excuses more intriguing than the incidents themselves. Usually, I’ve dismissed these as pure fabrication, made up to save face. But after an incident that almost happened to me last week, I realized that sometimes the unbelievable might actually be plausible.
Let me clarify—nothing actually happened to me, but it could have, and it sparked my imagination and prompted me to share this cautionary tale.
Picture this: I was in an unfamiliar shower, which had some of my least favorite bathroom design flaws. The biggest flaw was the “over bath shower,” which I think is a domestic hazard. It’s already slippery enough in a regular shower, let alone trying to balance in a frictionless, curved tub. Two other flaws were a pop-up plug and slippery floor tiles, but those aren’t the focus here.
Back to the story. I was bending over to grab the shampoo at the bottom of the bathtub. While doing so, I lost my balance and almost sat on the knob controlling the mixer tap. I only felt a cold metallic nudge on my upper thigh, but still, imagine if my legs were six inches shorter!
Now, if this had really happened, who would believe me? Telling paramedics I was reaching for shampoo and accidentally fell in a strange way wouldn’t have sounded believable. I’d become an anecdote, an urban myth, the kind of story told at dinner parties. And the worst part would be that my story was actually true.
I’m saying that maybe some A&E stories aren’t totally made up. There must be times when things happen purely by accident. At least one person in history must have been vacuuming naked and accidentally had a mishap. And once you find yourself in such a predicament, it’s hard to imagine the steps you’d take before calling for help.
Have you ever had a weird accident that no one believed, even though it was true? I once stapled my thumb while fixing an industrial stapler and it was a pain to sort out. And then, I did it again almost immediately.
Just to clarify, the bathtub in the photo I shared isn’t the one where nothing happened. I just needed an image to go with the story. Thought about using a close-up of a cucumber, but a luxury tub felt more “on brand.”