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I think I need a lawyer, not because I’ve done anything wrong recently (unless planning to silence the neighbor who trims bushes at night is a crime). Seriously, who trims in the dark? It’s not exactly the safest activity. You risk disfiguring wildlife or even hurting yourself. Though, it does present itself as a perfect scenario for concocting the ultimate whodunit!
Anyway, back to the point. I could really use a lawyer, not for legal advice, but to help me swiftly escape conversations I’d prefer to avoid or to stop my habitual nervous rambling that tends to torture everyone in a meeting. It’s possibly because I spend so much time by myself, but when I’m in the heat of a social or work chat, I crumble, especially as it winds down and requires a smooth goodbye.
I struggle with ending conversations—I either appear overly eager to leave and compensate by being excessively pleasant, or I start worrying about being stuck and blurt out something foolish. That’s why I dream of having a sharp lawyer, preferably an American one, who can navigate these interactions for me. They’d be there in their designer gear, taking notes with elegance, ready to step in when needed.
If this isn’t making sense, then maybe you need to catch some American crime shows on TV. In those shows, lawyers always know when to cut meetings short. These attorneys, especially on Netflix or Amazon Prime, have the knack for getting their clients out of sticky situations with three magic words: “We’re done here.” It’s the TV code for “We’ve covered everything needed, so we’re leaving now.”
There’s an air of authority when these lawyers declare “we’re done here.” It’s reminiscent of a parent putting a kid to bed with a simple command, making any argument redundant. TV drama might exaggerate, but that confidence and assertiveness are real charms.
So yes, I’d love to have one such lawyer by my side. They’d listen patiently, then step in just as I spiral into babble mode, perhaps placing a steadying hand on my shoulder before delivering the decisive “I think we’re done here.” Usually, this person I’m rambling to is my husband—probably why it needs to be a gentler intervention now and then.
Especially during lockdown, a lawyer seems more essential than ever. From squabbles over chores to lengthy discussions that spiral into disagreements, having a savvy attorney could prevent countless arguments or, at the very least, help me win them more often. And those awkward questions that hint at failure before they’re even answered?
“Did you remember to order dog food?” Cue Barb Wire, my imagined legal savior: “I think we’re done here.”
How delightful would that be? Imagine having my lawyer sit through Zoom meetings, where I seem more rambling than usual. They’d ensure I’m never the last to leave, expertly closing conversations. It’s like turning off the lights at the end of a party, signaling that it’s time to go.
And those pointless meetings where everyone discusses a presentation they’ve already seen? Enter Barb: “We’re done here.” My meetings would end before they begin their tedious journey through redundancy. Isn’t that something to dream about?